I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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