Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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