it's great music for shaving your balls
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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