This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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