Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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