I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
