Don't make out with my wife yet
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
