I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
