I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
