The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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