I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
