I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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