My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
