thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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