I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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