drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
