wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You made out with two different species that night
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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