I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
where am i from again
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
