I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
