My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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