"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
