He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
