can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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