I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
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my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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