Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
