Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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