my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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