I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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