I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
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That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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