You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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