Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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