There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
