I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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