Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
