How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
