I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
