I'm gonna have a badass scar
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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