This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
