So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
