My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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