I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
