Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
