Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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