i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
