its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Success! We fucked roommates!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
