today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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