you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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