If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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