everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
