I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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