My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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