not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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