is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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