i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
