all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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