I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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