So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
