The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
