I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
