i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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