So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
