First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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