go do what you do best...puke behind churches
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize