My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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